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I need HELP, this is gonna be lengthy..

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28thyearloser View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 28thyearloser Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: I need HELP, this is gonna be lengthy..
    Posted: August/01/2005 at 1:52am
I'm starting to hate life......and it scares me to no end. This is why:

I a reductionist, agnostic and always have been, even since early 11. I lived in a christian household under a deacon father in a Southern Baptist church. He never knew I really didn't believe in his faith, I went to church every Sunday and such until I left home at 18. I haven't gone back since. I still don't believe in God either.

I was always happy it seemed to myself but I am starting to realize that I am not happy and for some reason, as I look back now threw my years on this planet I don't ever think I was happy. I know that self-diagnosis isn't the way to go but what if.....I was never happy and don't know what it is to be happy? This is all very scary to me.

Some examples.....I'm 28 and have only dated 3 women in which I feel I loved them all but THEY left me. Superficially, I consider myself to be a good looking guy. I exude confidence but I know that I am not very confident at all and I really never have been. Ussually fear overrides my lust and interest when it comes to women. Lots of fear. My mom and sister ask me all but to much, "Matt, why don't you see women?" I'm starting to think that they think I am gay, even though I am not. I don't find the thought of being with a man crossing my head ever.

A little more backstory.....My and my parents never really were at odds until 2 years ago. I have to tell you that I kept myself locked up in my room just to watch TV when I was in High School. You must also know that my dad didn't approve of my staying out with the crowd until late, even on weekends. So I got to see my friends do a lot of "worldly" stuff that an agnostic should want to do.

You know what.....I am all over the place in my head and I'm even having a hard time stringing ideas. I'm not crying but I feel, if anything, resentment at the world. This is why I'm resentful.

For one, missing out on High School the way I would have wanted it. For two, getting kicked out by my dad 2 days after he saw a paycheck I could sustain myself on. 3, myself f**king up in college, I should have done better and I hate myself for it now. 4, 3 great jobs have shown me no loyalty whatsoever to the point I have a hard time even wanting a job. 5, my mom and dad calling me a manipulator which hurt me the most.

I have a lot more problems than this but manipulation demands a paragraph. Manipulation wasn't a part of my world view until I was told I was a manipulator. Above all else, it was my parents who told me I was one. Granted, they have helped me out finacially in the past and to let you know, I need their help now more than ever, but I never manipulated them. When they called me this 2 years ago it didn't strike me what it would do to my head at that moment because I was in arguement mode. I honestly thought that them calling me a manipulator was their knee jerk reaction and fail-safe card to use if they started to lose an argument. Am I happy? Am I a manipulator?

When I moved back from AZ 3 years ago I was takin in by my parents for about 3-4 months. The first 2 months I couldn't find a job and I really wasn't trying all that much because it was the 3rd job to really sh*t on me. I do these jobs a huge justice and they just sh*t on me it feels. So I was very mad at the world. My parents picked this off and new I wasn't trying all that hard but for some reason I had to sustain what made me happy at the time, and it was videogames, particularly EverQuest. That game hurt me quite a bit, but at the time I didn't know what it was doing. It just made me happy I thought. I still don't know why I think it made me happy. But EverQuest was eventually replaced by online poker. I'm very good at it. I made a living off of it for 2 years practically.

I don't have poker anymore. It's gone. I've chased dreams to failure and back again.

sorry again if it seems I am all over the place but I can't help it for some reason. As a 2 year poker player, lack of focus is not something I am used to.

I need communication back with my parents. They think I am a manipulator and it's thrown into the equation that is me when I talk to them about anything. I feel their train of thought goes like this:

me- "hey mom, hey dad"

them- "hey son" (ut oh, why is he saying hi like that)

me- "hows work going dad?"

them- "shut downs, trying to pay the bills, you find a job yet?"

me- "not yet"

them- (lazy son of a bitch)

paranthesis means they are thinking it.

I honestly feel that my parents didn't support me in what I wanted to do. I think I was suppose to be a preacher and in their heads, I just became a pot smoker. I didn't smoke pot for about 6 years but I don't anymore. While we are on the subject, I'm not addicted to anything but cigarettes. I drink about 2 nights outta the week also. I might enjoy booze a little to much but I only do it with friends and never feel a craving for it, if a craving for alcohol exist.....

The 2 years in poker has left me with a 2 year gap on my resume, I'm being turn down left and right and not even landing interviews.

To make me even more resentful I found out I have to move out in a week and it's probably because one of my roommates has a homeless sister right now. She has been on the couch and I just moved in and there is no loyalty from them towards me either. I know it's about her. It's a very weird mess here that I can't put my hands around because everyone has been so nice to up until today. Hearing that I had to move out was huge news to me. Never expected. I was told it's becuase the landlord told me I didn't have a job and had to go. Makes sense. But her daughter told me I had 6 weeks to find one and that was less than a week ago.

I don't know what to do, I'm helpless. I don't like life anymore. I know my problems aren't sh*t compared to most everyone elses but I've been stuck in a rut so long I'm afraid I can't get out of it.

Please someone, tell me exactly what you think I need to hear. I'll be here for 3 hours more waiting on replies and hopefully viewing someone's post and seeing they are just like me and read those replies too.

thank you in advance

matt
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cd27 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cd27 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/06/2005 at 7:29am

well, for one, you can't expect someone to reply to you in a few hours liek that, many tiems it takes days. but any how:

i have to say, i'm alot like you. in my life, i have only had one true g/f. that's it. but i don't call myself a loser. i call myself lucky, because i have more time to devote to people. i enjoy to make people feel good. i also enjoy to udnerstand peole and other things in the universe. i have to say, that one of the only differences i have from you is that i'm a Christian and have been for three years.

it's not a fact of bleieving in God or believeing in Jesus, you have to believe that you can believe in the first place. if you can't believe, then you will never liv a happy life. you must have fait in many things, like a chair, you have faith that it will hold you up when you sit in it. many things in this world reflect God and how faith can be obtained. but the mst important thing is that you believe that you can bleieve.

faith is a thing o the mind. if you have ever watched the movie the matrix then you'll know what i speak of. if you haven't, let me explain, if you believe that you can not believe, you'll be stuck in what ever life you let yourself grow up in. i am sure you reflect on your past life all the time. let it go. you can't change it, and if you ever found a way to do so, you still wouldn't be changing that particular event, only a copy of it. the past is there to remind you of your life, and to let you live a new and richer one every second of every day. but if you live int he past and believe taht you cannot believe, you past will become your future and you will never leave it.

what your parnets say to you, it's wrong, they shouldn't think negatively of you, they should be supportive. obviously you are a deep thinker like myself, and that can take you places that you never thought it could, simply because you believed that you could. neither should you htink negatively of your parenets, even if they are not supportive of you, being rude and cruel to them only worsens the problem, but by bein happy and joyful aroudn them, that will give a good atmosphere to talk in. then maybe you guys can solve some of your problems.

quiting poker is a good thing, becuase you need to gain money as a mature adult, not by gaining it all at once. i'm 18 and have no job, i jsut do odd out of the way stuff to make a few bucks here or there, but it's not enough to get me on my feet. so, the best thing you can do is find soethingyou're good at. if you don't have something, learn something. what's something you enjoy most? take that and use it. use it to help you on yor way, but do not depend on it to carry you all the way to the top. there is work inviolved. my grandfather yells at me all the time and curses at me. i haven't seen my dad for 8-9 years (he just up and abandoned me-and yes,ic an remember the whole thing) and my mom is in prison for killing a guy that tried to kill her (great justice sytem, just a bunch of crooks). see, i should be down and depressed right now, and i was for many years. up unitl maybe two or three years ago, i was so depressed i wanted to commit suicide. but, theni found Jesus (or he found me). it's in your weakest moments that you find your greatest strength. you may have not have trusted Jesus, but i ask you, try to trust him now. obviously your previous attempts are not working and you need something else, or you wouldn't be asking for help.

try asking Jesus to take care of it. jsut believe. if you don't, just try to, okay? it may be hard at first, but everything that's happened to you in your life happened for a reason, for you to learn from, not to live in. so jsut let go of your problems, let Jesus take them for you. that's what he died for. i can vouch for it, i did it and it kept me from putting a bullet in my head. and now i'm thankful for every breath i breeth. it does take itme, the faster you learn and the more you believe, the more you will see. at the moment, your eyes are closed and you just don't understand anyhing right now.

just give it some time, take a look around you, look at everything you have out there, look at the future. forget what happened in the path it wil only drag you down. it can ONLY benifit you in the future. so, let what you did, what others did to you, let that help you an not hinder you.

just ask Jesus for help. don't expect to get an answer immediately, and don't make deals with him. he knows what's best for you andyour sittuation. just ask him to help you, be open fro his answer, it could be anything. but when it comes, you'll know it. it will come, whether it be a yes, a no, or a wait, he'll let you know.

cd

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bear and Wolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/07/2005 at 6:05am
i agree with CD27 for the most part (acept i'm not Christian im Wiccan) but that doesnt matter. the core of all of that stuff is Faith. Faith is something that it seems you need alot of right now. something to relay on. as far as your jobs. Im a firefighter in the airforce. i love firefighting but there is a lot of politacal BS that happens in my fire house that makes me want to give up some times, but thats everywhere. For your parents. from what i understand it seems you want a relationship with them but you cant take their nagging. i hope i got that right. All parents pretty much have a plan for their kids life before their born, thats normal. but it dosent mean thats what your fate is. (By the way i dont belivie in fate, destaniy on the other hand.) PLEASE stop calling your self a loser. dont tribulize your problems, but dont use them for an exuse. my spelling is wrong and CD27 will probaly catch it. lol. you want to know a something? NO body is happy 24/7 unless there being pumped with morfine. know your not alone. if you want/need to talk more privite message me or email me at firefighter_mikes@yahoo.com. it might take a day or two at the most.   may the God and Goddess bless you and your house. Blessed Be

Edited by Bear and Wolf
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cd27 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: September/07/2005 at 6:35am

yea bear, lots of mistakes, but i think you know it, so there's no point in pointing it out. bear is just as correct as i am on this. you just need to get faith, believe in something. it doesn't come natural, and it's really up to you to make these kind of decisions for yourself, none of us can do this for you. good luck!!

cd
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote No Friends Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: November/07/2005 at 12:49am
If you carry on thinking you are a loser pal you will end up like one.
I believe that their are plenty of people out their that do not know how lucky their are in life.
Give yourself a reality check and see if you are one of these.
what gives me more pleasure than anything else in life is defying my enemies who want to see me be completely trashed.
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