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I hate this world with a passion!

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Joined: October/20/2005
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    Posted: October/20/2005 at 1:51pm
I swear i feel so all alone. I do not really have any genuine friends. to tell the truth i dont have none.
I dont have a partner and when i finally do have one i am still in a world of my own with the feeling of being alone. I find it hard making friends as i am scared to speak to people. I never had any form of social skills as i was not allowed to socialise with others as a youth or in my late teens. I grew up in a house full of secrets and violence and feared my father. I am 1 of 7 brothers and sisters. we were all under stringent rules and were not allowed to socialise with others. My oldest brother use to be beaten very bad by my father and was not allowed out untl he was in his twenties

When i was growing up in my teens i was a weired boy who was very reclusive and was subject to intense physical and mental bullying. my older brother used to help me throught it as he was my father figure whom i loved darely. He suffered from deep depression for years and had committed suicide by hanging himself in my back garden. I then begain to become attached with my other brother who continued the job of fathering me. He then committed suicide by jumping out of a third floor window. This ripped me appart as he was my only friend that i really had. During these horrific time everyone had someone to shared their experience and talk to and some one to cudle them. I had to deal with it by myself.
At the age of 24 i met a girl and had a relationship which was so great as she really loved me and i really loved her. it was like we were ment to be. We shared all of our problems together, however, i started to become reclusive again. I was still very depressed even though i loved her so much but my past came to haunt me. I was having the nightmares that i was having before and finding myself crying in my sleep. I would see my brothers in my sleep but they were in the background and look sad. When i dream them it is as if they cannot speak and are trapped somewhere. I even woke up attaking my girlfriend. I keep having dreams even though i am contiuous that there are two demond figures coming through the wall to take me. I recently saw a man in a suit with no face coming for me in my sleep, so i screamed and rand for my life out the house. I started to distance myself from everyone and began thinking deep about life again. I once tried to jump out of a window infront of my girlfreing but she grabbed my leg and was fighting me. Ive always tried to kill myself from a young age. My girlfriend could not take no more and she walked out on me.

I am a deep think of life, society and spirituality amongst many other things. When i do meat people and they get to know me to be too deep and they drift away.

I strongly missed my brothers as they were deep thinkers
who found out the truth abouth the world we live in today and could not take it any.

It is so hard to find, peace of mind, happiness, cordiality and uncoditional love in the world today. Expecially when you are truly aware of what is really going in the world today. I dont think i would ever be happy even if i had all one could desire because i know that there are many like myself out there suufering in silience unoticed. Which makes me sick.

I think if there really is a god and a judgement day.
Us humans reeeaaaallly have a LOT to answer for!

Sorry if i have offended anyone as i have no such intentions.
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gemtaur80 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote gemtaur80 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October/20/2005 at 2:02pm
Yes we will have much to answer for. Have you ever tried going to a counselor? It sounds like you might be having night terrors and as you say problems with depression, both of which can be treated by a therapist.

Suicide Crisis Hotline(1-800-273-TALK to get connected to help in your area)

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cd27 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote cd27 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: October/21/2005 at 8:02am
yes, we do have a lot to answer for. however, it is up to us to make the best of what w have. God will help us when we ask him...but he will not take us out of a problem, he will walk with us throught eh problem. he never gives you a problem that he knows you can't overcome. it's up to you to decide, can i ut up wiht this, can i overcome it, or will i wallow in my self pitty? read 1st corinthians 1:1-9. this is about how people are supposed to treat each other. this is in the Bible.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bear and Wolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: November/06/2005 at 10:53am
You talk about how this world truly is and that your brothers saw that. Maybe because of your father you have a vale of fear and depression in between your eyes and the world.
The bear has spoken, but the wolf had yet to beging.
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